My husband and I consider ourselves to be mature believers. We’ve known Jesus since we were children. William is a minister, and we even counsel other couples. Despite this great background, we sat back last month as our marriage was attacked day after day and didn’t even know it. The Scripture says, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8 NIV). Sometimes, I think we make it easy for him.

From Relaxation to Rundown

See how happy we were on vacation?

It all started with our first, official family vacation. We spent 5 days and 4 nights reconnecting as a family, enjoying everything the ship had to offer and even dipping our toes in the ocean. When it was over, we left the plane a bit jet lagged but relaxed and ready to jump into whatever was next. What came next though was a well-designed attack on our family. I call it well-designed because it wasn’t obvious. We didn’t cheat on each other. There was no physical or emotional abuse. Our finances didn’t fall apart, and our health was pretty good. We got what others would typically call blessings: new jobs, new clients, school projects and events for the kids, positive doctor appointments, field trips, prom, high school graduation, business meetings and successful counseling sessions with others. But what came disguised as wonderful opportunities were really distractions if not handled correctly, and we messed up big time.

Our marriage was under attack, and we didn’t even know it.

The day after we got back from vacation, William and I began pouring ourselves into the needs of others. We used to pray together at least a few times a week, but we didn’t have time for that anymore. We both work from home but would make time in our day to reconnect, but we didn’t have time for that either. Even our conversations felt mechanical – How’s your health? What do you want to eat? Did you know the kids did this or that? Can you help with this new work coming in or not? Okay. Bye.

Communication Breakdown

In the course of a few weeks, we started to develop unhealthy and incorrect assumptions about each other. For him, it was, “You spend more time with the kids than me. Every time I come downstairs, you’re doing something with them. They’re too clingy. I’m probably 3rd or 4th on your list. Plus, I’m trying to build a business, and it’s like you’re not even happy for me.”

The truth: I spend a lot of time in the office downstairs because I like working at a desk. The majority of the time, the kids are off doing their own thing. They may pop in for five minutes to tell me something, but unless we’re doing an activity together, they’re gone. For some reason, every time my husband decided to venture downstairs and see what I was up to, a kid was around. I could have literally been by myself for the past 3 hours working on something, and two minutes before he comes down, a kid walks in. His perception: she’s been with the kids for the past 3 hours and didn’t care enough to even check on me. I guess she doesn’t want to spend time with me. I’ll just go back upstairs. Also, I’m extremely proud of the business he’s building. I’ve been tired with all the new work that’s come in, so I haven’t done a good job of telling him.

For me it was, “You spend more time with people who don’t live in this house than the people who do. Every time I come upstairs, you’re on the phone or on social media. I can barely get your attention these days and am probably not even on your priority list. Also, I know you need help with your new job, but I’ve got a business to run, too. It’s like you don’t think what I do is important.”

The truth: While William does spend a lot of time on social media trying to grow his music producing/consulting and ministry ventures, he doesn’t spend as much time on the phone as I think. Just like the kid scenario above, I had the bad habit of walking into our room a couple minutes after he started a new phone call. My perception: He is ALWAYS on the phone. We barely have time for a conversation anymore, but he can talk to them for hours. I guess he’d rather spend time with those people and not me. Guess I’ll go back downstairs. Also, he’s had to lean on me for help with his new job but completely supports what I do. He’s always telling somebody how great I am and even uses some of my marketing ideas, but he never told me any of that. All we talked about was his work, so I didn’t think he cared about what I did.

The bottom line: Neither of us felt loved or supported from the other.

 The Road to Recovery

We were both wrong, and with all the stress, my husband developed headaches. I became physically tired and mentally unfocused. Our connection was dissolving right before our eyes. I stayed in prayer the whole month and even started doing a challenge where I prayed specific things for him every day, but I wasn’t happy. It took a random post in a Facebook group about marriages being under attack and a willingness for William and I to have a tough discussion about the state of our marriage before we even realized what was going on. We were both fed up, and thankfully, we decided to do something about it. We talked for over 2 hours (my husband even postponed an appointment so we could continue our conversation).

We’re better today than we were yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better than that. The chasm that was growing between us closed up, but the work isn’t over. We have to be intentional with our time. There will always be people and things that compete for our attention, but we can never let them become more important than our marriage.

Marital attacks don’t have to be overt. You can start off with the best intentions, like starting a high paying job to boost family finances, and end up with a broken marriage. If you’re going through something like this, my prayer is that you talk about it with your spouse. Communication is key! Bring in a Godly counselor to mediate if needed, but don’t let this consume you. Your marriage is worth saving.